F*k it – who is this idiot that keeps on calling – 3 calls in short succession, no message, then also calling the home phone. Some cell number I do not know. YES I FILTER AND I WILL NOT APOLOGISE FOR IT. 
Who the hell said we should be permanently available – WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR OTHERS’ BOUNDARIES GONE?!

Phew – ok pulled the cord from the home phone and mobile is on silent and turned face down so that I do not see the flashing light on the BlackBerry indicating messages, emails, FB posts etc etc etc – actually I need to take it out of the room because otherwise I can hear the crackle effect on my PC speakers interfering with Arno Carstens’ latest CD which is just what my mood needs right now.
Cannot believe it – call number 4 as I moved the phone out of the room … Yes I know it may be an urgent message but we all need a break. 

Ok – breathing deep and breathing easy – contemplative mood back. So what is solitude … Google search revealed -  
1)  state of being alone, or withdrawn from society; a lonely life; loneliness.
2) remoteness from society; destitution of company; seclusion; — said of places; as, the solitude of a wood.
3) solitary or lonely place; a desert or wilderness.

I am finding that I really enjoy people and their company but that it is becoming more and more important for me to also be on my own. Spend time with mySelf - that inner Self that seems to know so much but that I have hardly ever given the space to BE – and there lies the gift of solitude.

 You can breathe out and just BE. Not live up to any external standard or expectation - authentically what you feel like in the moment, listening to the inner voice, paying attention to last night’s dream message from the inner world.

 SO ironic – the Christian Old Testament paid lots of attention to dreams – today we laugh it off – think it’s just nonsense. I have long stopped laughing in that way – in stead I am appreciating my inner Self’s wicked sense of humour and dogged determination to help me grow and become who I really am in this lifetime.

Hence the fall of Lady Godiva into lady “go-diving”. In more ways than one I had to connect with mother earth, connect with my inner voice, get my balance back, stop and listen, pay attention to my inner feminine intuition and wisdom. Thank You for the lesson – even though it is not pleasant and all lightness of being … Is growth not always of this dark and painful kind – the going through the fire?

Monday will be a challenge and a bit overwhelming I know – I shall keep breathing and will remember the inner connection in my bones and listen to my body during this recovery of my balance – physically and psychologically.

And I shall keep my solitude as a gift and a burden until I find what Rilke’s quote describes so aptly – do not ask me who he/she is.

And this more human love (that will fulfill itself, infinitely considerate and gentle, and kind and clear in binding and releasing) will resemble that which we are preparing with struggle and toil, the love that consists in this, that two solitudes protect and border and salute each other.

So what does one make of this – a 17-year-old tells you still have a lot to learn? This is in response to her notification on Facebook that she is in a “complicated relationship” with some  ex UK bloke - 20-year-old - who is now living in the cultural no-man’s-land (read mining midlands east of Jozi).
You would have to pay me zillions of dollars to live there – but hey it is probably better than Manchester -  the weather is at least! not so sure about the air and water quality. It just does not compare to Cape Town – sorry  

But wait – he has 1212 “friends” on Facebook.  
And has only completed one year of post school studies and records that as an “achievement”. Heaven knows what he is doing now. Oh I do not have to wonder … this bloke does not block his Facebook – every single comment is open for the world to see – and so is every single comment each of his 1212 friends make on his wall - as well as their status updates. I bet they do not know that …

I think I get this – this is the modern version of the notches on the bedpost! Only now it is virtual – probably phone & webcam … at least it is safe – the only virus you could get is the computer variety. But it does make relationships very cheap, very fast and very plastic.
For me that is sad – as what I long for most is a life partner with whom I can walk the road of life in a soulful way.

I wonder if the younger generation is losing valuable interpersonal skills as a result of this “friend” thing on Facebook. Do they have real close friends who they can trust and with whom they can connect at a deep level, share things that the world does not need to know? Perhaps they have 2 levels – the deep level and the more public level?

And the public nature of it all – I do not think I want to announce every relationship I have and its status to the world … I suppose that is a choice and definitely a generation thing. My generation value privacy – today’s teenagers perhaps do not.
BUT – when they go job hunting their prospective employers WILL Google them and see their whole life in cyberspace … that may NOT desirable me thinks.

This prompts me to list what I have learnt so far and what works for me in navigating our complex ever-evolving world …
1> Be discerning who you spend your precious time with – online or physically
2> Be conscious of what you share with whom and why – all the time!
3> Know thine self very well – respect your needs and values and distinguish them from ego wants and infantile drives and tantrums – otherwise you later think why the hell did I do X, Y or Z …
4>Playing games with sex can be fun – but it mostly ends in tears – ’cause sex is much more than physical – it is a soul activity and you mess with it at your peril – buy a vibrator and read Dr Eve’s pillow book!
5> People’s bodies age – their souls do not have to – read, listen, ask questions, talk, and learn no matter what your age.
6> Learn from others’ mistakes – do not repeat them – rather make innovate mistakes of your own – have the courage to follow your convictions but don’t be stupid about it.
7> LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE (she is always right)!!!
8> Sleep enough – your subconscious needs processing time and your dreams are very important messages.
9> Breathe deeply and slowly - how wonderful to relax into what IS.
10> Move into flow = physically and emotionally = YES, I AM ALIVE

So my dear cousin – I know where you are – I pray that the angels who protected me will also protect you. As I also thought & did what you are doing now - it just came in a different shape with different wrapping …
No Facebook, no cell phone, no text messages…

Made a telephone call on one of those yellow phones with the round dials, my Greek boyfriend came to fetch me the Easter after my matric year (I was 18) and I moved in with him – 2000 km away from home. My father’s last words: “Do not ask me to get married. I will say no. Call me if you need help.”

Thank you to my guardian angels and She who guides me from within. I survived my very late teenage rebellion with very little permanent scarring and loads of learning.

Thank you to my parents who were always there and loved me for who I am – I just did not see it. Took me 38 years to see them as just people, humans, who love me with all their heart. I love them back now, and do not need them to be perfect.

Who else have 3 conjuncts that are exactly the same – Mars and the Moon ; Venus and Pluto, the Sun and I can’t remember what other dark planet is paired up. Then on top of it I am a Leo … ag no man, can I have some peace and quiet for a change?

But no – I am in for a ride over the next two years. Even the dreams hint – big skyscrapers where I am rearranging boxes in the basement with a crowd of people wearing red and orange gloves – cranes waiting outside to remove boxes …

On the material side it is just as mad – chaos rules. BUT in the chaos there is opportunity and thanks to the 09 recession there is now a massive demand for 2nd hand cars and mine is a beauty – may soon be the owner of a new Sky Blue Golf Tdi – apparently car of the year. I like the Sky Blue. Current colour is Grey Green … positive change.

Into the water we dive

But does the same go for the joints of my mind and soul?
And who says I want to get back on the same horse?
I do now have more respect for my horse and the equipment!

I am unsettled. The whole feeling of being intensely vulnerable triggered something. So much so that I have burst into tears twice this week … so unlike me – I am a lapsed accountant and predominately left brain female after all …

What is the meaning of these random events that stop my in my tracks?
Why do I get emotional and all teary eyed about SA history?
Why is the in-your-face-male-and-material values of my workspace irritating me more than usual?
Where else in life am I riding “horses” without the right equipment?

A friend did a tarot reading for me last night and my astrology outlook for the next two years. Now before you go off … this is NOT what you read in the newspaper. More a sense of the feeling or the energy the year ahead will hold. And no I did not run to him after the above!
Interestingly it mirrored exactly back to me the above questions and the balancing act between male and female consciousness I find within myself and the world. We want to go “either this or that” and not “this and that”. When in fact the latter is what is so needed.  

This is exactly what Kahane says in his book Power and Love. That both ar needed for social change.  He quotes Martin Luther King who said: “Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political and economic change. What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.
Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.”

Lesson for me – choose the right horse to ride (my true purpose) in life PLUS do it in a balanced way. Common sense, isn’t it? I guess my mind and soul are much more flexible than my body at this stage.

Now where is that dose of courage …

Anyways – I am starting a blog to muse a bit about the meaning of where I am at right now. 

Almost 40 – practically middle-aged yet I feel strong and full of life and have so much I want to do and AM doing – horse riding, running my first 10kays, raise global conciousness, explore cost cultural stuff, have much better sex more often, save the planet, the industry I work in, the list goes on … including AT LONG LAST having a Valentines worth remembering. My most memorable to date – my dad leaving a card for me in high school – newsflash – the smartest girl gets no cards … but she does get better travel opportunities in the long-term

Anyway I digress – sorry -
middle-aged, child free, man free, independent – very happy and content at the mo.

BUT how come everybody assumes you are dying of loneliness OR hate men and the worst – ag shame, she has no children and at this point it practically excludes you from almost any female group.

Picture it – “Hi, do you have any children?” (potential new friend, contact whatever) – answer – “No” – the veil comes down over the eyes … practically a non-woman – add to it divorced and most married women will NEVER add you to their must invite to dinner list …

Excuse me! I have had it with this attitude. There are many single child free happy people in this world.  Just the other day while buying my new running shoes the sales rep actually says I look 30 and he thinks it’s because I do not have kids. Mind you, he thought he looked 40 (he didn’t) and he is actually 55.

Do not get me wrong – I think it is wonderful to procreate and frankly would love a happy extended family circa my childhood – but – NEWSFLASH – this does not happen for everybody.
Often not by choice as we  as a species function in a 2×2 way -
2 adults 2 children = 4 
dinner evenings – 2 x 2 couples …

Anyway – I guess what I am trying to say is that there should be a voice for mature people who are not married or in a relationship and do not have children and may never have. And are happy and content nonetheless.

THUS I have decided to get on my soapbox and start spawning my brand of 40zen wisdom. Why the hell not.

Happy Valentines Day to all! We will see – is it 40zen or40been? Or am I fooling myself and should really be looking for a man and have kids before my ovaries collapse?